Yeah, I'm about to talk about my period. 

I got an 'early' period this month. I have early in quotes because I can't actually remember when my last period before that was.  So either I got my period two weeks after I just had a period- or I only think it's been 2 weeks because I've completely lost track of time, which is a thing that happens.

I'm amazed how at every doctor visit, they expect me to know when my last period was. I don't remember!  Threee? Weeks ago?  I don't know!  It's not that much of an event that I make a mental note of it.  Half the time, I can't remember the date or the actual day of the week that it is.

But even with all that, it seemed weird to me.  I'm googling, and I looking up 'early period' and it says it can be "implantation bleeding", which is where an embryo is burrowing it's way into the uterus wall-- and it BETTER FUCKING NOT be that.  

I am paranoid about getting pregnant (because I don't want to), so I am always leaping to that fuck me oh god this sucks conclusion. And I'm always wrong, thank GOD.  But if you think I'd perform being sooo sad when I went and got that abortion if I ever needed one, you don't know me at all.

More likely is the conclusion that further googling offered- stress.  Stress fucks with your hormones and therefore fucks with periods.  Which is hilarious (not really) when you're sweating out a pregnancy scare, to know that just by stressing being pregnant, you can cause your period to be EVEN LATER.

I'm probably more likely to scare myself with the possibility of being pregnant than most, because it would NOT be welcome and we would NOT just go with it and have a kid.  And because I can never remember when I had my last period, and they tend to space pretty far apart.

"Why don't you take birth control?", you may ask, and it's a reasonable question. Birth control would make the periods more regular and then I would always know when I'm supposed to be getting them.

Well, here's a thing you may not know, because I didn't fucking know it-- birth control can cause panic attacks.  Specifically it gives me panic attacks, which considering that I already struggle with pretty extreme anxiety, is a really not good thing.

I was taking it and feeling really out of control- lots of bad feelings and my anxiety at a 10 out of 10 almost all the time.  I asked my doctor about it, because I was fine (or as fine as I ever am) and then I really wasn't. And the only difference was the birth control.  She said that the Pill "doesn't do that" and told me to lose weight, which was this doctor's answer to everything.

Because losing weight is a cure for anxiety?  NO.  NO IT IS NOT.  And I appreciate the current doctors I have because they don't treat my anxiety like it isn't fucking real just because it's a mental issue.  

Being treated like my anxiety disorder is just because I'm a "whiner and attention whore who just wants to throw tantrums all the time" is infuriating. And there, I'm directly quoting my sister (who is a topic for another day).  ANXIETY DISORDER IS REAL.

Partly, I'm writing this for people in my direct situation.  If you got here through googling something about panic attacks or anxiety and birth control or the Pill-- Yeah. That's a real thing. They can try to switch you to the mini-pill, which only has progesterone in it and not the estrogen. But it's possible to be sensitive to both.  If it is you and no one will listen to you- stop taking your birth control for a month (if you can) and see how you feel. 

I took Plan B once, and I felt like I was going to die from how bad my feels and anxiety got. And it went on and on, for like 2 weeks.

And I think that maybe, getting this weirdo early stress period is connected to me wanting to lay down and cry all the tears right now.  I am up to the brim on what I can take, and it's no wonder it's coming out physically too.

This is super unhelpful, because what I really need is to be able to relax and get calm, but anxiety disorder doesn't give a fuuuuck about letting you relax and get back to normal.

I think it's pretty vital and important to talk about period stuff more, just because it's a completely normal thing to talk about. And if anyone's like ewww, gross- stop being so immature. People with uteruses who haven't gone thru menopause-- these people have periods.  I don't think it's helpful to keep it as something we only talk to our friends about, and even then not often.

And look, I'm not asking people to go full on Hippie Mamma and worship their periods and throw them a party every month. I mean, you do what you like, but mine can be a total bitch of painful and badly timed sometimes. 

I just want to be like- Hey. This is a normal body thing that bodies do. And I want to be able to do that without all the dudes screaming and running away like little children because they think we're so gross.  That's demeaning, and it needs to stop.

So I'm going to stop writing now and go practice some self care, which means making myself a nice lunch and then watching TV until I feel like doing something else.

(Don't worry about telling me to go to the doctor. I've going for my yearly visit w/ Planned Parenthood in a couple of weeks.)