A note about life stuff

Hey, y'all. Normally, I like to do a blog update every week, but here's the thing.

I'm getting married this year.

Did you know that planning a wedding is, like, a whole bunch of work? 

So, yeah.  It's probably going to be a bit more on the sporadic side, probably until after the wedding.

I love y'all, so I'm definitely going to be back. I have SO many ideas.

I just have to spend time making invitations and assigning people to tables and doing a milliondy other things like that. 

Being fat doesn't give you diabetes

I can see from the amount of pushback I get from this on the regular that it needs to be said, and keep being said--


Being fat doesn't give you diabetes.

Yes, even type 2 diabetes. 

There is a cultural idea that diabetes is the punishment fat people get for being fat, because being fat is such a horrible character defect that there has to be a karmic punishment.

Fat people deserve to be punished, says our society, and diabetes is right there, just waiting in the wings to be used as a cudgel by the people who already hate and despise a group of people for what they look like.

It reminds me of the very recent past, when gay people were considered by society at large as deviant and disgusting, and AIDS was seen as a punishment for their supposed wickedness.

It's all bullshit. It was bullshit when evangelical Christians were thrilled that gay people were dying from AIDS, and it's bullshit when fatphobes are thrilled about imagining fat people's in pain and suffering from diabetes.

Ok, so those people- the people who glorify in the suffering of people they consider "bad"- we all know those people are assholes. 

In addition to being first-rate jackwagons, these people are buying into the just world fallacy, which is a belief in a fair world- that good actions result in good outcomes and that bad people get what's coming to them.

Per Wikipedia- "This belief generally implies that in the existence of cosmic justice... and has high potential to result in fallacy, especially when used to rationalize people's misfortune on the grounds that they "deserve" it."

I'm sorry to have to be the one to break it to you- but there is no Just World. There is no such thing as fairness. We can agree to try to impose more fairness on an unfair world, but the world is not fair. 

Bad people win. Good people suffer. There is no cosmic balancing of the scales, and I think we all know that- because I think we all know at least one person who very much did not get what they deserved, for good or for ill. 

This is part of being an adult- letting go of the fantasy of a child, that somehow, at the end of the day, it will all be put right. 

It won't. Not unless WE choose to put it right, as best as we can, with the understanding that some things can't be made right.

So putting the question of "deserving" aside- everyone knows that being fat means you get diabetes, right? That eating sugar gives you diabetes? 

Nope. Even the American Diabetes Association- not an org exactly known for their positive stance towards fat people- lists both of these under myths


They aren't true, y'all. 

You can be thin and get type 2 diabetes. And you can be fat your whole life and never get diabetes. 

What causes diabetes? Well, one study showed that of children "nearly all (85%) of those diagnosed with type 2 diabetes had a first- or second-degree relative with type 2 diabetes, they said, illustrating the high genetic risks associated with this condition".

Twin studies have shown that there is among identical twins, if one twin has type 2 diabetes, the chance that the other will get it is 70%.

And there are an actual fuckton of genetic factors in this book from the National Institutes of Health

So genetics. What about environmental factors? If your mother lived through a famine while pregnant with you- you could be more likely to develop diabetes. This Chinese population study shows a link to low birth weight and later diabetes. 

But I live in sinful (gluttony), wasteful America- how could this apply to me? Well, we're living in a world where pregnant people are told to lose weight while they're pregnant.  

The body doesn't know the difference between a voluntary famine and an involuntary one. 

This list of environmental factors goes on- gestational diabetes, pesticides, that BPA stuff in plastic... 

Here's the short version of why people get diabetes-- it has something to do with genetics, but also we don't know. 

I know that "everybody knows" you get diabetes from being fat, but I have found as I do more research in general (not just about fatness) that the things that "everybody knows" should always be suspect.

The stuff "everybody knows" is often wrong. And when it isn't just flat out wrong, it's oversimplified to the point that it might as well be wrong. 

Am I saying that fatness has nothing to do with diabetes? No, not really. I am saying that we don't know what the connection is and that saying that it's a one to one relationship- Be Fat = Get Diabetes- is bordering on laughable ignorance.

I mean, it would be laughable, if it wasn't used as a weapon to beat up fat people and to implement invasive policies that make a mockery of the idea of body autonomy.  

Diabetes is being used to further stigmatize a marginalized group. This is not the first time, either. Historically, diabetes was known as "the Jewish disease".

"For hundreds of years it was understood as being transmitted within specific groups... such as blacks and Jews... Even Jewish scientists at the turn of the century accepted the racial stigmatization of diabetes. Rather than being seen as a disease of individuals, diabetes was the fault of “the Jews."

"Diabetes was conceptualized as a Jewish disease not necessarily because its prevalence was high among this population, but because medicine, science, and culture reinforced each other..."

"Today, US government sources inform us that Native Americans, Blacks, and Hispanics/Latinos run the greatest risk of developing type 2 diabetes.

Is it possible that as part of the stress of discrimination and marginalization- the risks of developing diabetes increases? There are studies that indicate that the stress of racism can increase risks of cardiovascular disease.

It seems like there is this circle of stigma leading to illness- leading to being further stigmatized. 

You don't get diabetes from being fat, y'all.  It's more complicated than that. And even if you did- that would be a really shitty reason to treat fat people the way that we do- like we're not even people. 

It's not ok. It's time for that to stop. 

Advice- How do I feel better about my body?

Originally from ok2befat.com

I think it’s really important to understand that moving forward with feeling better about your body isn’t a straight line and that you will have times where you are going to feel awesome and times where you will feel bad about yourself.

This is totally normal.  It’s bad enough to feel bad, but you don’t want to beat yourself up about having bad feelings on top of it. That’s not a fun place. 

So here’s what I have found helpful- First, understand that you are not your thoughts. Which seems like a weird thing to say, I know, but what I mean is, you can have thoughts that don’t mean anything. 

Like, if I find myself thinking, “I could hit that guy with a snowball”, but I don’t do anything about it… I don’t bend over and get the snow and I don’t throw it at anyone- then it’s just a weird thing that sort of ran thru my brain randomly.

But if I spend a lot of time with the thought- God, why I did I think about snowballs, and what does that say about me as a person, etc- then, I’m like, attaching myself to this thought and making it bigger than it has to be.

So, say you notice yourself thinking- “I am gross”. See if you can try so say to yourself- “I don’t really think that”.  Not, Oh I shouldn’t have this thought, but more, “yeah- I get it, brain”.  We’ve been programmed to think this body is gross, so that’s a thing that’s going to happen sometimes. 

And then you sort of, detach it from yourself, like- yeah, that’s a thing that happens sometimes, and see if you can turn your attention somewhere else.  

B/c otherwise, it’s like telling yourself not to imagine a pink elephant. The more you say to yourself- stop thinking about elephants- the more elephants are going to pop up in your mind. 

Brains are weird. 

Anyway, give yourself space to be ok with the fact that you are going to feel bad sometimes, which is completely to be expected b/c we are swimming in a sea of cultural messages that demand that we see ourselves in this negative way, and learning to not do that can take a lot of time. 

I would also suggest some counter-programming for your brain- basically look at as many positive photos of fat people as you can. 

Take a look at Adipositivity and there are a lot of great Tumblrs with photos of fat people.  Seeing other fat people looking gorgeous and happy can help start to undo some of that negative cultural messaging. 

Why I don't answer these kind of questions

This is coming over from ok2befat.com (Tumblr).  The following question came in-

Rather than answer the question, I thought it might be helpful to explain why I don't usually answer these types of questions. 

I get stuff like this a lot, and I’m going to explain why I pretty much never answer them, b/c I think some of y’all might find it interesting and helpful.

First of all, I know this isn’t a serious question b/c the OP’s blog contains a lot of hateful nonsense about “SJWs” and reverse racism against white people (which is not a thing) as well as anti-fat acceptance reblogs.

Additionally, the person asking the question uses the term “obesity”, which I do not use, as it is not a preferred term.

“Obesity” is a medical term that refers to a body size as a disease. I don’t accept the underlying premise that being larger is a disease, so I refer to myself as fat instead.

It’s nearly impossible to tell who is being sincere when asking questions sometimes, but in this case, pretty easy to tell.

This kind of stuff is just a time-waster. And it’s pretty repetitive also, b/c fatphobia- like many other types of marginalization and stigma- is filled with people who reuse the same old tired tropes and (so-called) arguments. 

So I can reliably predict what would happen if I would post in links to the many blog posts that aggregate and explain the various scientific studies regarding fatness as a non-harmful or beneficial state.

I predict denial and moving goal posts and nitpicking and other forms of time wasting, probably with some name calling thrown in for good measure.

The whole point of this is to waste time. B/c this person wrote this question on Tumblr, which means they have access to the internet, which means they have the ability to type “Fat acceptance 101” into google and then read the aggregate blog posts themselves.  

The point is to send me off on a wild goose chase to provide links that they won’t read.

Keep in mind that fatphobes make claims all the time without any proof. Stuff like- “There are no old fat people” or “There weren’t any fat people 50 years ago” or “Fatness costs more than war” or all sorts of things that they don’t feel a need to prove. (And are pretty easy to disprove.)

So why should I have to provide proof for the idea that fat people are human beings who deserve the same respect as all other human beings? 

I am not going to do that.  

I reject the framing where I have to provide anyone proof that I have a right to live. 

Cool clothes for the Super Sized.

The state of plus size fatshion is not ideal, not at all.

But if you are over a size US 4X- good luck finding anything cool.  Most stores size out at a 3 or 4X.

BOO!  Dislike!  Stopping at a 3X is not inclusive!  

I wanted to share with y'all a few stores I have found that have a better range of expanded sizes in clothes that are not the same old thing super size people are used to seeing.

These are "women's" clothes, since that's how I like to dress.  I don't have any knowledge of "men's" super size clothes, but if y'all are interested, I can ask around and see what I can find for you.

Chubby Cartwheels- I have some leggings from here and they are awesome. Goes up to a 5X, but she does custom sizing.

Size Queen Clothing- Up to a size 8X and custom sizing is available!

Big Gals Lingerie - Clubwear up to a size 12X. 

eShakti- Up to a size 6X and they will do a custom size for you for only $7.50 more and it is so worth it! I had it done once and it was perfection!

Designer Curves- Up to a 12X. I saw some dresses I liked and I thought the variety was pretty good. 

Curvalicious Clothes- Up to a 6X. Although I could really do without the explosion of handkerchief hems which are a blight upon the plus size land at this point- I saw some cuteness. 

I hope this helps those of y'all who want something more trendy and cool. I know that for me, being able to dress how I want, and present myself the way I want/need to is like having a constant irritation removed from my life.  I hope you find something that makes you feel awesome!

Please leave links and suggestions in the comments, if you want! 


Medical discrimination against fat people- again

The blinders that doctors put on when they deal with the idea of fatness is completely jaw dropping. 

Example eleventy billion is this garbage- "Woman becomes obese after fecal transplant from overweight donor".

Everyone knows we can't take anything reported by the media when it comes to fat people at face value.  So let's dig in.

First of all, this woman who gained weight, the patient- she had C diff.

What is C diff?

It's a no fucking joke, kill you dead-ass dead, infection of the intestines. 

"C. diff can lead to severe diarrhea. It can also rupture colons, cause kidney failure, blood poisoning and death. 

According to the Centers for Disease control it kills more than 14,000 Americans a year. But a recent investigation by USA Today, found the number is twice has high. The bacteria is actually linked in hospital records to more than 30,000 deaths a year."

What are the symptoms of C diff?

Mild to moderate nausea, loss of appetite, severe abdominal pain and intestinal cramping, and weight loss.

I'll repeat that for those of us who aren't medical professionals-- 


Ok, let's keep going. 

The patient had recurrent C diff which was not responding to antibiotics. She got a fecal transplant from her daughter.

"At the time, the woman was a healthy 136 pounds with a normal BMI of 26. Her daughter weighed 140 pounds at the time, with a BMI of 26.6, but became overweight shortly afterward. Following the therapy, the woman’s symptoms vanished and she no longer experienced recurrent infections."

Ok, first of all, even if you accept the fascist BMI bullshittery system we have in place now (which I do not)- a 26 BMI is not considered normal weight. A normal weight BMI, by today's standards is 19-24.999.  Anything over a 25 is overweight.

So. We're already making up bullshit science based on nothing. But do please go on. 

"Sixteen months later, however, the woman reported unintentional weight gain of 34 pounds and met the criteria for obesity. Two and a half years after the transplant, the woman weighed 177 pounds with a BMI of 34.5, despite a medically supervised liquid protein diet and exercise program."

Ok. So here's the thing. This woman was never a healthy 136 pounds. She was an "I have a deadly disease that makes it impossible for me to eat or digest food" 136 pounds. 

You cured her C diff, and she gained weight. That is a GOOD THING. She could have died and she didn't. 

This is a problem HOW? 

And now this woman is on a liquid protein diet, which I'm sure will end well and won't cause her any problems at all like suddenly dropping dead.

Anything that makes you fatter must be bad, even if cures your deadly intestinal infection.

Great job, medical profession!  I really feel like I can trust your judgment.  

Who wants to bet that someone is going to propose infecting fat people with C diff to get their weight down? 

Better a dead thin person than an alive fat one.  

And that diet industry money is so so sweet. 

Criminalizing the fat child

Legislators in Puerto Rico are debating a bill that would fine parents of obese children up to $800 if they don't lose weight.

I am so angry, y'all.  I can't even.

This is why I keep on writing about the abuse of fat children.  Because we live in a culture that has institutionalized the abuse of fat kids. 

We live in a culture that labels fat children as problems to be solved, not as children. Because if they grow up to be fat adults-- if they grow up to be like me-- that is a fate worse than death. 

First of all, the parents of fat children are already subject to abusive state interference.  Fat kids have been removed from their homes and subjected to court mandated and social worker enforced diet programs.

Fat kids are used as pawns in divorce cases- the non-custodial parent threatens the custodial parent with allegations of being abusive or neglectful (they offer the child's fatness as proof of bad parenting) to force a settlement that is less beneficial to the custodial parent. 

In one case, a mother was charged with felony child abuse after her super size fat daughter died.  Not a single person outside of her family cared about this child prior to her death.  Doctors did not run tests on her. Her physical needs to attend school were not accommodated.

Her family was poor and headed by a single mother, and not one single person was interested in helping them- not until after the child died. Then they were sure ready to help her mother into a jail cell.

Now, when we write it out in stark terms, this legislation in Puerto Rico seems very very bad. But please do not be fooled. This is going on every day all over the world.

Fat hate is playing out in the carceral system already. Puerto Rico is just a bit ahead of the game. 

Expect more of these proposed laws in the days to come.  I predict it as a miserable certainty. 

Here's what I want to know-- Where are you, the champions of freedom? Where are you, to protect the freedom of families to decide that they would rather not abuse their children?

Being poor makes you fat, and being fat keeps you poor. And $800 is a fucking fortune when you're poor.  Where are you, the anti-capitalist anarchist socialists?  No war but the class war, unless it's to defend fat people.

In a country where there is an extreme backlash against even the suggestion that there should be some kind of consequences for not vaccinating children against deadly diseases because of freedom of choice-- where are these supporters of choice and freedom? 

I guess I forgot about the part of "freedom" where it means- only for people we don't think look gross and weird.  

It's always pretty telling who gets to have freedom and who doesn't. 

**Read Tipping the Scales of Justice by Sondra Solovay for more information regarding the topic of criminalizing fat children and all topics involving fatness and the law. 

Diets, fat kids, and child abuse

I have to keep coming back to this topic because the comments I get really tell me that some people don't get it.

They all basically boil down to 1 or 2 comments/misunderstandings-

1. It's not child abuse to make kids diet b/c I saw a parent one time give a child junk food and I thought that child was too fat. (This is almost always couched in some really class shaming language- usually involving Cheetos. Cheetos really are the food of hating on poor people.)

2. What, do you think it's ok to give a kid *insert troll amount of food here*? 

Let's clear up a few things.  (I'm not even going to engage with the classism, b/c really, people? Go do better.)

First, your cousin or that kid you saw eating candy in the DMV or whatever are not representative of all fat kids.  In fact, if you weren't a fat kid, you know absolutely nothing about what that experience is like.  And guessing about our lives based on a thing you saw once, instead of listening to people who used to be fat kids-- is shitty. 

That's not how we do things. This also falls under go do better.  

Second person, you are utterly, completely, ignorant and wrong and mistaken if you think that what I mean when I say "diet" is not letting a child eat thirty cookies at one time.

There are people who put their elementary school children on very restricted diets. There are kids who are forced to do Weight Watchers, the meal replacement shakes, the diet bars (they call them candy bars but they taste like goddamn feet). 

There are children who are being fed less than 1000 calories a day, by parents who have the money to feed them actual meals (b/c all this diet shit costs more money than food does). 

So what we have here is two groups of parents. We have the well-meaning people who are being misled by the diet industry's propaganda into doing harm to their children, physically and mentally. 

And the second group-- the abusive parents who use dieting as another way to manifest their abuse.  The craze for eliminating fat kids with these forced diets provides cover for abusers to get away with abuse and to be complimented for taking a strong stand against "obesity". 

So by insisting that forcing fat kids to diet is ok, what you are advocating for is for otherwise well-meaning people to inflict harm on children and you're providing cover for abusive parents to sadistically harm their children with no repercussions.  

If you actually wanted to know if forced dieting is child abuse, you could bother to actually listen to the people who lived through it.

Everyone talks about the problem of fat kids, but no one ever asks the people who went through it what we think.

I think that's pretty fucked up. 

Combating Fatphobia

I got a question from covermeinjoy on Tumblr that I thought was a really good one, and I wanted to share it and the answer here.

What do think are the best ways to combat fat shaming and fat phobia on a day to day basis? 

(This is a fantastic question!)

I try to combat fatphobia in my daily life on 2 fronts. First, I think you have to nourish yourself and your spirit. Since fat people don’t see ourselves in a positive light very often, I think it’s super important to seek out places where there are positive images. I am trying to highlight photos and blogs and posts like that. 

When the world is trying to pull us down, being able to look at photos of gorgeous fat people is so important. To be able to say to yourself, look at them- they look amazing. If they can do it, so can I. 

All this, with the understanding that it is hard to push back against a dominant cultural narrative and to let yourself be ok with the idea that progress is not a straight line.  And that you will feel bad sometimes, and that’s ok too.

So, we combat fatphobia by taking care of ourselves and telling each other that we are amazing and wonderful and beautiful. 

And the other way I combat fatphobia is I don’t tolerate it around me. I don’t let people tell fat jokes in front of me. I tell people sorry, but I don’t want to hear about their diets. I never comment on people’s body size, positive or negative— I don’t use “you look like you lost weight” as a compliment. 

I call myself fat, not just on the internet, but in person. The people who are around me are used to "fat" being used as a neutral term, b/c that’s how I’ve been using it for years. 

I don’t spend money in stores that don’t carry my size. I don’t support comedians, podcasters, or writers (or anyone) who talks about fat people in negative ways. I stop watching TV shows that regularly use fat jokes. I ask people on Twitter to stop using fatphobic language. 

I have been, slowly over the course of years, removing fatphobic elements from around me, refusing to financially support fatphobic products and artists, and educating the people around me. 

This is an incredibly slow process. It takes years. But fatphobia is almost never questioned by people. If everyone who is concerned about the discrimination against fat people makes it clear to everyone they know that they won’t tolerate it around them— that’s a lot of people who will suddenly have something to think about that they’ve never questioned before. 

Why I am sad

(Content notice-- abuse, weight loss/forced dieting, violence, eating disorders, animal abuse, suicide, discussion of rape. It's not pretty.)

Here's the bit I can't take-- my parents keep texting me. I haven't spoken to them since June and it is now January.  I'm getting married this year and they haven't received an invitation and they aren't going to get one.

They must have figured that out by now. I suppose.

But they (my mother mostly) keep texting me the world's most banal texts.  Sometimes a few in chunks together.  Sometimes nothing for months at a time.

"It's almost Thanksgiving!"

"Merry Christmas!"

And the last couple-- where my father joined in for the first time-- "Keep warm." 

These texts fill me up with a hot, sick rage. I want to scream-- at them. At myself for caring. I want to start smoking again-- a 100 cigarettes at a time-- and drink until I can't remember my name.  I want to kick something hard and unyielding until I break my foot.  And scream and scream and scream.

How DARE you put on your reasonable parent mask after what you've done.

I think about changing my phone number when I'm sick with anger, but when I feel better, it always seems like such a huge pain in the ass.

I should probably explain.  The micro version is this- in order to "get to know me better" (my father says) or keep me under surveillance (I say)-- my father read my blog. And he found something I had said about him and he didn't like it.

Here is my global reply to that, which is a quote from the writer Anne Lamont--

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better."

Should have behaved better.

My father is angry that I told people that he forced me to diet and exercise-- past all limits of what anyone would consider loving behavior even in our diet obsessed culture and far far over the line into abuse.  I was eight when he told me I was fat.  I was eight when he forced me onto a less than 1000 calorie a day diet- when it started.  He forced me to exercise past all endurance.  It wouldn't end until I was in college.

He didn't want a fat child, and by god he was going to torture me into another shape. 

He doesn't want you to know this. He doesn't want anyone to know this.

But it's not his story to tell. He doesn't want it spoken out loud, or typed into a screen, but by god, I am the one who has to live with the damage.

I have found it helpful to tell these stories. I am the one who needs help. I will do what I need to do to help myself. 

Here is more context-- In order to find the blog post where I mentioned, in pretty mild tones, compared to what actually fucking happened, that my father forced me to diet-- he had to read almost a year deep into the blog. He had to read past more than one post where I talked about being a rape survivor.

But my father is angry that I said he forced me to diet. Which he did do. He wanted to nitpick something or another-- I said he forced me to run until I threw up at 16, but that didn't happen then. 

THEN. That didn't happen THEN.  


Was 16 the year that I threw up running, or was I too busy throwing up in private with my newfound purging eating disorder to throw up while running? Or was that the year I developed shin splits so bad I could barely walk?

I didn't know how badly it would hurt that he doesn't seem to care that I was raped. Even in my worst imaginings, I had always supposed that would matter. I should have known better.

He says none of it ever happened. Which is pretty typical in my family. It's SUPER WEIRD how I have memories of entire years worth of events that no one else seems to ever remember. 

I must just be a big old liar. That's what they would say anyway. Would say, have said, will say. Always say.

It's weird how I have these vivid memories about things that never happened, combined with the anxiety issues and coping patterns of someone who's been through some awful shit- that I guess that never happened either. I guess these panic attacks are an elaborate, decades long hoax.

About a year before the fateful June, my mother told me a story about someone she knew, a man who was having an argument with his teenage son. In the course of the argument, the man punched his son in the face. And the son called social services. 

The way my mother tells the story-- it's the son who did the wrong thing.  

So. There you go.

It really fucking upset me when she did this. 

Let's get back to June- my father says-- you don't tell anyone anything about this family. 

And I say NO. I will not choke down fucking poison like the rest of you. I can't. I fucking won't.

He said this to me after Josh and I took time off work to go spend the weekend with him and my mother, for her birthday and Father's Day. He had recently come back from working overseas and I was hopeful, stupidly hopeful that we might have a nice time for once. 

My parents refused to speak to us for an entire weekend. Straight up silent treatment, with full on angry glaring. And you have no idea how good my father is at an angry glare. He looks at me like he hates me. Like he wishes I had never been born.

Most of my life, he's been looking at me like he wishes I was never born. It was a common threat too-- XYZ or I'll make you wish you'd never been born.

And what I eventually wanted to say was-- too late.

TOO LATE.  I already wished that. I spent almost my whole childhood wishing that. 

And what makes it worse this time is that in their eagerness to punish me, they are treating Josh badly too. And that I will not bear. 

Oh and also my mother told me my wedding was stupid too, so that was awesome. 

I have a sister too. What I will say about her is that when my parents choose me as the scapegoat- that when they needed someone to punish, she was always willing to lay in that final kick while I was down. 

We could have been allies in a terrible situation, but she decided to be my enemy instead when I most needed someone. She got out of the way of the abuse by making me more of a target.

I get it. But I don't want to talk to her either. 

(I know this is all over the place, but I don't know how much editing I'm going to be able to stand to do. So if you're reading this and it's hard to follow, I apologize. I'm doing my best.)

Back to June-- My mother disappeared the morning we are supposed to get on a train to come home.  My father waits until 5 minutes before we're supposed to walk out the door-- after 3 days of punishing us both with his classic emotional abuse tactics-- to tell me that blah blah, my blog, blah blah how dare I talk about our family to anyone. 

He told me to take this blog down.

I said no. I said, I need to talk about this.  I said, I felt so bad when you treated me like this, that I wanted to kill myself and do you even care?

He ignored that completely and told me again to take the blog down. TOLD me like I'm still a child he can order around and terrify and abuse. 

And I said NO. NO I WON'T. And I left. 

So that's where we are. I knew at the time, when we got on a train and I was shaking and numb and screaming typing ALL CAPS tweets that this was going to be it. I knew in my emotions before I knew in my logic and my thoughts. 

I am divorcing my parents. I have divorced them. They just won't stop disregarding my boundaries. 

I am not interested in hearing platitudes about forgiveness. To tell me to forgive in this case would be to tell me to go back to my parents and let them abuse me some more. 

They don't think they've done anything wrong. They never did.

And I am stuck with all this gross shit-- like my brain keeps barfing up these awful memories that I don't even want and I'm like THANK YOU SO MUCH BRAIN. I REALLY NEEDED THIS TOO. AWESOME, YOU ARE BEING TOTALLY USEFUL AND HELPFUL RIGHT NOW. 

Like that he beat my sister's dog with a fly swatter and I could hear it yelping and crying, because the dog wouldn't stop barking. 

That's one of the new ones. So YAY. Life is SO FUN right now. 

They're sending me these goddamn texts. Like they're having some kind of imaginary parent conversation with me that I don't even have to participate in. They can't even acknowledge that anything is wrong.  Like I'm being hysterical and they have to calm me down.

It fucking infuriates me. 

It's a little harder with my mother, because I do have some good memories of her.  Unlike my father, where it's all fear and anger and punishment and hatred. The only positive feelings I used to have about my father were the slightly guilty feelings that I didn't have any positive feelings about him.

I have had positive feelings about my mother. But I also know that she has never done thing one to stop my father from treating me like utter garbage. That she is not above pulling manipulative bullshit. That when I told her I got engaged she didn't even acknowledge it with a hmm and then proceeded to talk about her goddamn garden for half an hour. 

So fuck her too. 

I used to pray to Jesus that they would get divorced so I could get away from my father. But my father is more important to my mother than her children are.

I honestly don't know why they even bothered to have children.

I don't want to hear ANYTHING from my parents that doesn't start with "I'm sorry and I know why you're angry". And not some my father's classic bullshit of "I'm sorry but if you hadn't been such a bitch I wouldn't have gotten mad in the first place."

This will never ever happen. My father never apologizes to anyone for anything ever. This is not an exaggeration for effect either. I don't have a single memory of him ever saying he was sorry for anything. For him to be sorry, he'd have to be wrong. And he is never wrong. 

Yeah, I know this is all public and anyone can see it and I just don't care anymore. If this makes someone think badly of me for being so public with all this family bullshit, well too bad. You have no idea what I've been through. If I wrote a thousand posts, I couldn't tell you. 

I've tried to hold it in and not talk about it, but I can't anymore. It's eating me up from the inside. 

The sad part is what's killing me. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be sad over these people who have been so awful to me. 

But I am anyway.