The Most cake

I downloaded Hole's Live Through This a couple of days ago.  I have a couple of other different copies of this album floating around somewhere, but I've moved so many times that I lost them.

I loved this album when I was in high school.  I also adored Courtney Love.  Jen and I have discussed Courtney a couple of times on the podcast.  I keep saying how sad she makes me now, that she seems to struggle with her demons so hard and so publicly.

When I was a teenager, I just assumed Courtney Love would go on to kick the world in the ass and scream in its face.  I wanted her to be my big sister. 

I fucking hated Alabama. 

Me at 15.

Me at 15.

You may be asking yourself, is Ali wearing eyeball dangly earrings in her school portrait?  

Fuck yeah I am.  LIKE A BOSS.  If I hadn't lost those earrings, I would STILL wear them.  And I wore that Ren and Stimpy shirt until it pretty much fell apart.  

Do I look like I'm filled with rage and punching?  Because I really was.  I discovered in freshman year that the only way to stop the almost constant bullying that I had been dealing with since elementary school was to start fighting back.

Not metaphor fighting.  Trying to knock people down and punch their teeth out fighting while screaming like a crazy person.  I found this out by accident when I flipped my shit one day. 


I've been thinking about being a teenager lately because I've been dealing with issues with my sister.  Many of our current problems go back to that time.  Remembering how I felt at that time made me think of Hole.

 Also when people talk about how fat they are, my (very mature) response is to try to make myself look as fat as possible and then yell CAKE CAKE CAAAAAKE!  I WILL EAT ALL THE CAKE! 

Which leads me to being the girl with the most cake which leads me back to Hole. 

Most of my memories of high school are flavored with rage and hate and helplessness.  I learned some bad lessons that it's taken a long time to unlearn-- like no one will ever help you and that aggressiveness is a good response to every situation.   I still tend to try to figure out how to just handle things on my own because I don't expect any help.  

I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye.

I learned that help tends to come with strings attached.  That to ask for help is to give up all your say in your own life.  And even then the help isn't actually helpful.  

So fuck it.  It's my life, and I'll do what I want.

I must have listened to Live Through This almost every day, on a loop, for years.  And that is what helped me.